quarta-feira, janeiro 18, 2012

Being alive

I was asked today what that means to me being at the Ohio State University. Well, the question is part of a inquiry that the university is doing with students regarding the image of the institution and which steps they can take from now on, in order to continue to expand it. I can't help but use this question as a way to think about my life and how it changes what I'm used to. In a sense, being here at OSU is a life changing experience. I know I could argue that any experience has the potential of doing so, but not quite end up doing so.

It is not that this place is better than others I've been. It is, in relation to some, but that is not the point. What I am learning (or remembering) here is that I have to go after what suits me and let go of what don't. It's not an easy process and certainly not one I am used to do. It hurts, specially when you desired that the very thing that right now isn't fitting should be the one that wouldn't change ever. Right now I am not happy. Yesterday was a day in which something very important changed, and in many senses it changed for the worse. I no longer have someone at home waiting for my news. More than that, I no longer have the desire to share them the way I always tried to.

I am a tourist here just the same way as I am in life. During this trip, I get to know people, to talk with them and to set some structures. Some of those people will appeal me enough and stick around for a while, or a long while. Others will be just fading memories in no time, because of a lack of impact or interest (mine or else). I have the possibility, by just being alive, to share experiences and moments and treasure them. I have something to offer to the world and to the people who pass by me. This thing I offer will be taken by some, rejected by others etc. It is not always in the same way, nor it is the same to everyone. A close friend receive a larger time of time and effort than a colleague, as well as a professor gets less of my personal thoughts than someone with whom I would share my bed with.

Part of being a close friend means putting some of yourself in the person you befriend. It is an act of love, of belief, of trust. You can't be a friend of someone you dislike. You can disapprove, but you have to trust. Otherwise it is not friendship we are talking about. Or at least not the same kind of friendship that I am. I can't date someone who hasn't the same dispositions about love, care, dedication, trust. I can't be with someone who in one day decided that I wasn't trustworthy. I can't be with someone who want to have me in a cage, like a bird who can only sing to its owner. There is a saying I saw once, it was something like: "if you want to have me, let me free". It is real only if I choose to be here. And I have chosen to be there and to work on a relationship that was supposed to be real. For me it was.

This raises ethical questions about being alive. How much are we willing to give up of what we believe to live in a shared world? I've done my part professionally under the argument that I need money to eat. I've let things happen, things that I disapprove. And when I saw, I was doing that on my personal life also.

In one point of my life, I've chosen trust people. I do trust my closest friends. I will trust you until the day I find out I was mistaken in doing so. But I will not share my life, my time and my affection with someone who can't do the same for me.

Um comentário:

太鼓持 disse...

I shouldn't have said those things to you yesterday, and when I managed to get on the internet again later to (try to) fix everything, you were offline. I didn't think about leaving anything offline for you to read later, as I thought now. I've had harsh times to get internet back to apologize.

And the first thing I'd read when I came back was this - one day after. So you're still angry and I don't blame you. You're right. I know you won't do anything to hurt me, and kind of trust you. But I don't trust myself. I'm far away from you and scared. I don't feel like I'm good enough and you said it yourself. Please, forgive me.

Related Posts Plugin for WordPress, Blogger...